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I’m Hairy and My Feet Smell

8.10.2006

in Uncategorized

I feel the need to call a moratorium on post-BlogHer schwag bag whining. Yes, I admit I too had a yearning for a goodie bag containing a certificate for a free weekend at Canyon Ranch or a brand new PowerBook G5. But I’ll happily settle for the free condom.

Good lord people, if you could afford the price of the conference, you could certainly afford to buy whatever $2.50 trinket you wish you had recieved instead of a corkscrew. I even read yesterday via Elizabeth that some ranting, raging so-and-so was offended to have received a bib and a kids calendar, which are evidently items exclusively for “white, married, heterosexual women.” Who knew that single women, women of color, and lesbians couldn’t procreate? I for one am shocked. Shocked.

Or wait, maybe it’s that lesbian moms don’t care if their kids get food on their clothes. Yes, I’m sure this is it: Lesbians like doing laundry.

You learn something new every day.

Let me just say, if you were insulted by “presumptions” made about you at the conference based on free gifts that offset the price of the weekend, you have too much time on your hands. You also have not ridden the New York City E train.

Just to give you a little perspective, here’s what advertisers think about me, judging from the posters in my subway car on my commute to work.

I’m hairy.
I’m feeble.
I have disgusting feet.
I have some combination of bald patches, age spots, thin unattractive lips, spider veins, razor bumps, eczema, acne, unsightly wrinkles, nail problems, warts, and a creeping, communicable fungus.

 

I am flaccid.

69 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one

Dana August 10, 2006 at 4:05 pm

Oh Imma die laughing! Those are some funny ads.Tell those BlogHer’s who didn’t want their bib that I’ll take it! My kid always has something on his clothes!

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Renée August 10, 2006 at 4:05 pm

Ooooh! Bunion surgery! I’ve always wanted that.

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City August 10, 2006 at 4:23 pm

Right on, sistah! How many times have we been at a conf or tradeshow? You get the schwag, you get rid of the shit you don’t want and keep the stuff you do. if you don’t want it/like it, decline it. Really, it’s not that hard. I also am tired of all the bitching and moaning about the hotel, the food, etc. A reasonable registration fee, 2 meals + snacks, + free wine every day (that in itself is amazing–have these women never planned an event? Do they not realize how much hotels charge for a tray of cookies and an urn of coffee???), and a very well-priced hotel room? I can’t afford to go to BlogHer next year if it costs $600 dollars just to register and I have to pay for a hotel and meals.

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Y August 10, 2006 at 4:29 pm

I want to complain about the condom! What were they trying to tell me with that condom? That I SHOULD STOP BREEDING ALREADY? I’m offended! Outraged!(And I’m laughing hysterically at your post!)

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Silicon Valley Moms Group August 10, 2006 at 4:31 pm

LMAO!!! People take too much time to bitch about stupid stuff these days. It was FREE people!

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Kristen August 10, 2006 at 4:32 pm

I agree with CM. I have to say that while the hotel may have not been the Ritz and they held my chocolates hostage for 2 days, it was cheap.I’ve paid a min. of $130/night for a double at conferences (I used to attend at least 2 a year out of pocket) – the food was great for the price (I bought ONE meal and NO DRINKS over the entire weekend for a preggo, that’s pretty damn good).FREE WINE??Seriously. And did I mention, people got free chocolates – um hi KIT KATS? :) So if you didn’t like your bib, give it away, or use it as a dust cloth or a loin cloth or a butt wipe or write a hate message on the back and through it at one of us moms.HEH.

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Jill August 10, 2006 at 4:36 pm

Wish I could have seen you taking those pictures of the subway ceiling. Heh.

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madge August 10, 2006 at 4:49 pm

HAHAHA! What about Dr. Z.? A friend of mine went to him and had to switch dermotologists when he started advertising on the subway because his clientele grew so rapidly.(Funny, you don’t look like you have disgusting feet…)

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Denise August 10, 2006 at 4:55 pm

I hate it when people blow our cover. But you’re right, lesbians love to do laundry. I’ve written many posts about it. And no, I didn’t use bibs at all, ever. It was all about having more laundry. Totally.Unfortunately, I only have half of the lesbian laundry gene because I thought the freaking bib was cute and I didn’t rant about it at all (I only ranted about the lesbians and their straight mouthpieces who felt the need to rant about the bibs). Now shush about the lesbians loving laundry thing, ok? Nobody is suppose to know just how deviant we are, geez.

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GraceD August 10, 2006 at 5:00 pm

Woot! Woot! and Woot!Slapping my hand on my thigh for added effect.I loved the comment the brilliant Liz Ditz of the estimable blog “I Speak of Dreams” (http://lizditz.typepad.com/i_speak_of_dreams/) left on the magnificent “Multidimensional Me” (http://www.multidimensional.me.uk/) blog of Koan Bremner’s “If you are alienated by schwag contents, you have larger problems than I can address.” Bigger enemies confront women, people. For example, neoconservatism and the religious right. It was an honor and pleasure to meet you my dear, hurried as I was at BlogHer. May we meet again, perhaps for the postNYC Marathon cupcake orgy?

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Binky August 10, 2006 at 5:02 pm

You are funny. Any post that ends on the “flaccid” note is hilarious in my book.

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Veronica Mitchell August 10, 2006 at 5:03 pm

Clearly you are unaware of the gynocidal evil of a baby bib with its patriarchal assumptions about offspring of the Male Oppressor, sometimes known as father. Like a condom, it implicitly reinforces the sexist idea that women and children are unclean and Male Oppressors must avoid direct contact with them. By accepting the bib and condom, you perpetuate the cycle of domination and the phallacy of your own defilement.Or it’s just free stuff.

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ster August 10, 2006 at 5:03 pm

judging by the spam i get in my email inbox, my penis isn’t long enough and i’m not satisfying HER in bed.who knew?

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Mom101 August 10, 2006 at 5:21 pm

Veronica and Denise:You’re proving once again (sigh) that my commenters are 100 times funnier than I could ever be. Now stop that!

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sweetney August 10, 2006 at 5:27 pm

i love you. marry me?

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mothergoosemouse August 10, 2006 at 5:40 pm

Dude, where’s the Dr. Zitsmore poster? That’s a classic.Agree with you 100%.

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Piece of Work August 10, 2006 at 5:41 pm

Dude. You mean you ALWAYS get free stuff at conventions? I’m just a silly sahm mom, I didn’t know. I thought that stuff was special, and just for me!THough a cream for my communicable fungus would have been a nice addition. Maybe I should write Elisa.

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Mir August 10, 2006 at 6:16 pm

I have always thought you were flaccid, but I didn’t want to say anything. Now that it’s out in the open, though, I just want you to know that you have many other redeeming qualities.

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Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah August 10, 2006 at 6:17 pm

But – you aren’t flaccid. Are you? I mean, you always seem so… able?

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Dawn August 10, 2006 at 6:24 pm

You are a genius, Liz.In my professional world ( early childhood?) we get thrilled over a box of crayons and a pizza. free wine? I thought I’d dies and gone to heaven.And I happily ate the Kit Kats…They were manna at 3 a.m.Did Nate slip you some Viagra in Montreal?

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Mayberry August 10, 2006 at 6:35 pm

Ah, sweet memories of subway life! I bet you also need to learn to speak English, and hire a lawyer because of that time you slipped on a sidewalk and it was clearly NOT YOUR FAULT.

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Mother August 10, 2006 at 6:39 pm

You’ll have to fight me for her Sweetney. And I’m tall and know Karate’

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mamatulip August 10, 2006 at 6:53 pm

<>Who knew that single women, women of color, and lesbians couldn’t procreate?<>I love this line.

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Melissa August 10, 2006 at 6:53 pm

Well shit, if I had know there were free condoms, I would have gone. Oh that wasn’t the point of the conference? Hmmmm…never mind. Liz, Some people just need to be negative. Just ignore them. ;)

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Asha August 10, 2006 at 7:05 pm

Brill! I’m getting tired about hearing about the inside of the gift horse’s mouth, too. Any conference that gives away pasties is fine with me. Because I think, at a conference geared toward women, they can safely assume the attendees have breasts.

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Kathryn Young Thompson August 10, 2006 at 7:42 pm

You are so dead on.

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Donna August 10, 2006 at 7:50 pm

OMG! How well those subway advertisers know me…

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Chicky Chicky Baby August 10, 2006 at 7:59 pm

Personally, I like any post with the word ‘flacid’ in it. I don’t know why.And I still like you, even if you have a hammer toe.

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Silly Hily August 10, 2006 at 8:31 pm

Who knew you could make telling someone to shut the f up already soooo freain’ funny.Amen sista, AMEN.

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Mocha August 10, 2006 at 8:52 pm

That’s why I won’t take the E train. It gives me low self-esteem. E for esteem-goes-down-the-toilet? You <>do<> learn something new every day!

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Kvetch August 10, 2006 at 8:56 pm

I haven’t been reading the posts about BlogHer too much since I wasn’t there – so I didn’t even get so much as a free condom and lord knows that I am way to embarrassed (still, at 42) to buy them and I’m actually single and don’t want to get pregnant or diseased so could actually use them. But anyway, being on the outside, I agree with you. Get it over it folks, jump on the Mom-101 train, and move on!(by the way, condom donations accepted in plain brown packages)

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wendy boucher August 10, 2006 at 9:01 pm

I haven’t seen the gripey posts but I’ve heard of them. My “Girlie Weighs In” post was meant to address that in my usual sarcastic cartoony way.But this post is hilarious. Nice work, Liz!

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Mrs. Mogul August 10, 2006 at 9:03 pm

I miss the subway ads..I remember when the trains were made of straw and there were fans on the ceilings! I was a kid then riding. Then the ads were made of straw too!

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metro mama August 10, 2006 at 10:47 pm

You are a funny woman, Mom-101.

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Bobbie Sue August 10, 2006 at 10:54 pm

Flacid. Heh.(Thanks for writing this post. I wasn’t at BlogHer…but I have been reading many post-BlogHer posts and noticing a running theme of dialogue about the goodie bad. So, this was a much needed “put the goodie bag in proper perspective” post!)

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neva August 10, 2006 at 10:55 pm

so spammers also advertise on the E train? i did not know that. xox

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jess August 11, 2006 at 12:45 am

Well said. I have been amazed reading blogher posts with peoples self-important expectations that the entire conference should have satisfied all their personal needs.

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Glennia August 11, 2006 at 1:11 am

Great post, and great comments. Delurking to gush on how much I lurve your writing. I’m so sorry I missed meeting you at BlogHer.

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Girl con Queso August 11, 2006 at 1:14 am

Seriously. I HATE it when people give me free things. Rude. The bastards! What nerve! Who do they think they are? Freaking Giving McGivertons.

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Blog Antagonist August 11, 2006 at 1:22 am

I am offended that people were offended. What self-important asshats. I agree with everybody else. Flaccid is a great word and I enjoyed seeing it used to creatively. I also enjoy it’s counterpoint “turgid”. Could you work that one in somewhere?

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Her Bad Mother August 11, 2006 at 1:22 am

You know that sweetener they gave us? I’ll bet that helps with flaccidity. In case you were needing some help. Which you’re not, I know. But still.And those bibs were for babies? White babies of heteresexual parents? Really?‘Cause I just gave mine away to a gay Inuit dwarf.

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Blog Antagonist August 11, 2006 at 1:23 am

That was supposed to be “counterPART”.

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Pollyanna August 11, 2006 at 1:38 am

HEHEHEEHEHE. good one.

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kgirl August 11, 2006 at 2:00 am

according to my subway ride, i am all of those things, plus obese, in debt, out of work and lacking body in my hair, but not, certainly not, hair on my body. plus, i am short and always end up standing in some stinky guy’s armpit. and free shit? feh. the nerve.

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Erin M August 11, 2006 at 2:57 am

Swag is SwagIt annoyed me no end when people bitch about swagFREE PEOPLE FREEgive it to someone who can use it!ARGHGRGHGRGHGRGHGRGHsorry I’m a little stressed, my post tonight explains why

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MrsFortune August 11, 2006 at 3:16 am

Eew. Liz, you’re gross. I can’t be your friend anymore, you hairy, zit-faced, ugly-toed breeder.

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Overwhelmed! August 11, 2006 at 3:21 am

You’re flaccid? REALLY? How is that possible? :) Funny post!

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Shannon August 11, 2006 at 3:39 am

You said it, girl. Personally, I am totally offended when the person working the deli counter offers my children slices of cheese. Are they trying to say I don’t feed my kids properly? Huh? Huh?

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Elizabeth August 11, 2006 at 4:06 am

Thanks for the link love, Liz (that was fun to say!). HBM said “gay Inuit dwarf”-HAHAHA! Next year, let’s walk through the Welcome Breakfast offering to take possession of any offending swag. So that we can never talk about this AGAIN.I would be okay with those subway ads except for the foot one-MUST they show actual photos of deformed FEET? Ewww.

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Christina August 11, 2006 at 4:19 am

Brilliant.While I may have made fun of some of the freebies, I took nearly everything home with me. I love free stuff, and never miss an opportunity, even if it’s something I may never use. Which is why I must now figure out what to do with a box of artificial sweetner.

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