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Dear Balloon Boy Family, You F*cking Suck


in Uncategorized

I watched yesterday, riveted.

I watched that balloon floating away and imagined the worst.

I cried.

I was furious with those who made cynical jokes on Twitter, who doubted, who speculated fraud.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I put myself on the line for you.

I shushed my children while I followed the plight of your own.

And I think it’s pretty clear now that you faked it.

You faked the potentially horrible, tragic death of your own son for publicity. You called in the police and the news helicopters, you pulled resources away from those who might have needed them.

And now you’re caught. You’re not a brilliant inventor. You’re not a hero. You’re just a slimy footnote in tabloid history, up there with Kato Kaelin, the runaway bride, and Mini-Me peeing on the carpet.

Your children will have to live, forever, with the legacy of this. It will follow them for the rest of their lives. And they will hate you for it.

That’s probably punishment enough.

Although if you didn’t fake it – if you really didn’t know where your son was – and yet you still alerted the media before the police?

You still f*cking suck.

49 shards of brilliance… read them below or add one

confused homemaker October 16, 2009 at 11:23 pm

Yes, when I learned that they notified media before law I felt so much for those kids. They are looking to their parents to guide them in life & this is not guidance, it's a train wreck


Amanda October 16, 2009 at 11:27 pm

Train wreck indeed. As soon as I saw that the kid wasn't inside I knew something was up. I'm absolutely disgusted. I hope the FAA or FBI charge them with something.


Elizabeth @claritychaos October 16, 2009 at 11:30 pm

Liz, where did you learn that they alerted the media first?

The whole thing seemed fishy from the get-go. And it's just getting cornier, isn't it?

Love the runaway bride et al references, by the way. :)


Fairly Odd Mother October 16, 2009 at 11:35 pm

I am so glad I was away from the internets while this entire thing unfolded. I only heard about Balloon Boy after the fact and never really got caught up in it all.

But, have you read that they may get a tv deal from this? Now, THAT's sad.


How to Party with an Infant October 16, 2009 at 11:37 pm

they should be neutered


Bill October 16, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I was torn about if it was a hoax or not until I heard they called the FAA first. Who in the world thinks to do that?

For goodness sake, in all the times my backyard helium UFO has gone missing with one of my children, I've never even THOUGHT of calling the FAA.


Mom101 October 16, 2009 at 11:54 pm

FOM, the reports are that they called the FAA first, then the local news station with a request to mobilize their helicopters, then 911.


Coma Girl October 17, 2009 at 12:21 am

NBC Nightly News reported last night that they called the news before they called the police.

As a parent, as soon as I heard that I thought something was fishy.


Brie October 17, 2009 at 1:09 am

I second your thoughts. The whole thing is just so lame. The mini me peeing comment almost threw me off my chair though – love it!


@sweetbabboo October 17, 2009 at 1:19 am

I can hear your voice seething with rage. You are so right so keep preaching it.



Kami October 17, 2009 at 1:39 am

Umm, just wondering why the kids had access to a balloon that could so easily go airborne in the first place. (When I first heard about it on NPR, I envisioned Curious George floating through the sky grasping onto a dozen, colorful helium filled balloons and smiling. Falcon doesn't look as much like George as I'd hoped…)


momtrolfreak October 17, 2009 at 1:42 am

So so so totally agree. What douchebags. I mean, I CARED ABOUT THIS GODDAMNIT. Gah!
And yeah, even if it was real, calling the media first? Come on. That's such a Perez Hilton move. Who TWEETS an emergency? Come the f*ck ON, people.


Melissa October 17, 2009 at 1:52 am

Absolutely … could not agree more. Like you, I was riveted to this story, watching at work, then gripping the steering wheel all the way home. And when I saw the video last night of the kid saying they did it for a show, and the parents' reactions, that's what did it for me.

And to call the NEWS before calling 911! Who DOES that?!!?

Kato Kaelin! Now there's a blast from the past. Great post – linking to this in my best of the week roundup. (Aren't you honored? :)


Courtney D October 17, 2009 at 2:28 am

Yep. Sickos… And never-mind that they were on WifeSwap talking about being aliens, or that in their interview with Meridith Viera on the Today Show their poor son was PUKING! These punks need a serious talking to (and by talking I mean FACE-PUNCHING!) GAH!


SUEB0B October 17, 2009 at 2:59 am

Tell it, sister.


b_land80 October 17, 2009 at 3:16 am

I really don't think we should be so quick to judge. If it is true, I could not possibly imagine what they could be going through. Leave the investigating and prosecution to the police.


Sundry October 17, 2009 at 3:55 am

I'm still giving them the benefit of the doubt. It seems to me that it would be smart to first call the folks who are the ones to actually get aircraft dispatched rather than spending time with 911 (“Uh, so there's this giant balloon? You need to contact the people with helicopters?”) so the media/FAA call makes sense to me.

But I don't know, maybe I just can't wrap my head around the alternative.


put down the torches October 17, 2009 at 4:32 am

I too want to give them the benefit of the doubt at this point until we learn more. At the interview, the kid was tired and confused. Maybe after he was found, the dad joked that they could get a show out of it, and that was what the boy meant.


Dfunkadelic October 17, 2009 at 4:57 am

the guy is a total dooshe. he screamed and yelled and was all psycho on wife swap when they were on. i feel sorry for his kids. even though they're dooshes too.


mrs. q. October 17, 2009 at 12:14 pm

Ah, welcome home, Liz! Isn't America beautiful?

This made me furious. I am only thankful that I was out of the house all day and missed the entire thing or I would have been a sobbing wreck.

Jamie told me to watch the Today show clips. He paraded his family on so many morning news programs that the son ralphed all over the set. He's probably sick with guilt.

Super Douchy Dad.


mrs. q. October 17, 2009 at 12:16 pm

And Bill is funny.


Clark Kent's Lunchbox October 17, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Yeah, that was some serious Bullshasta. My wife kept emailing me updates from work, terrified for the whole family.

Idiots like this only exist so their carbon dioxide will keep the Amazon tree forests alive.


The Red Headed Mama October 17, 2009 at 1:37 pm

When I saw the CNN report with the little boys saying he did it for the show…I almost died. I wanted to crawl through the camera and smack the parents. grrr.


justmakingourway October 17, 2009 at 1:58 pm

When I heard they were on “Wife Swap” I started to wonder if it was for publicity. Sad examples either way.


Sarah October 17, 2009 at 1:59 pm

Had no time to read all the comments, but my prediction – today's “big announcement” will be that he blames the kids for “doing it for a show” that it was his older and younger son and they had no idea of it. The guy is a whack job.


jerseygirl89 October 17, 2009 at 3:09 pm

I'm ashamed to admit this but.. . as soon as I saw them, I recognized them from Wife Swap. And I knew it was fake. That father was freaking psycho on the show and the mother just did as she was told. Those kids may actually be worse off than the Gosselin kids.


Michelle October 17, 2009 at 4:27 pm

I heard this morning that they will probably be charged with a misdemeanor and given the bill for the search and rescue. I hope so.


Lady Mama October 17, 2009 at 5:53 pm

If they are found to be guilty of faking the whole thing, I hope they're given a massive fine. All the the little things they've done do suggest it was set up. Totally repulsive.


Black Hockey Jesus October 17, 2009 at 7:43 pm

You need to drop the asterisk. You look like you're faking your anger with that asterisk.


“YOU FUCKING SUCK!” (I would also add “BITCHES!”


“You F*cking suck!”

See? You should drop the asterisk.

Your anger expression coach,


Mom101 October 17, 2009 at 8:20 pm

BHJ, I'm all for full on curse words to express my feelings.

I just don't want the google hits that come with putting f*cking and boy in the same headline

Trust me.


gina October 17, 2009 at 10:20 pm

So much about this story pisses me off. How about the innocent boy who was stuck in the attic the whole time? How awful is that!!! I so badly wished he would have puked all over his dad–now that would have been funny!


Maris October 17, 2009 at 11:06 pm

The “Asshole” tag next to the dad is the first thing to make me laugh today. So true. I hope they have access to a good child psychologist.


Anonymous October 18, 2009 at 1:17 am

If it all isn't bad enough if you search youtube (falcon heene) there is a “video” of the three boys singing a rap type song. Something their lovely daddy supposedly produced for them. The language and behavior are totally appalling!

DCF should look into this family. these kids are not growing up in a nurturing environment.


shannon October 18, 2009 at 2:43 am

I too was so worried for that child and now I just feel sorry for those children that they have such pathetic parents.


Mom101 October 18, 2009 at 11:07 am

to bland_80, “put down the torches” (clever) and Sundry:

It would seem criminal charges are now being filed against the balloon boy parents.

At some point it's okay to say dammit, they totally had me going, they lied, and I'm pissed about it.


Mom101 October 18, 2009 at 11:10 am

And one more story with more details.


b_land80 October 18, 2009 at 2:25 pm

I am going to be honest in saying that I did not witness the whole thing unfold in it's entirety. I was away from the news (for once) while on a field trip to a farm with my daughter. I started following it after the balloon landed and they couldn't find the boy. I saw the look on the father's tear-filled face when they found him and that kind of stuck with me, I could not imagine the pain and joy. That is, if it were true! I guess they fooled me.

What I was getting at in my previous post was my dislike for the mob-mentality that the media and public enjoys exploiting. Basically, convicting people before the whole story is even known. And I realize that the father encouraged it, but what about the kids? I guess someone has to do it, but it just makes me feel icky. It happens in politics as well (on both sides) and I can't stand it.

I guess in this instance, I was wrong in giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, I don't really feel as though it is my place to judge or condemn. He will get what is coming to him.


Flotica October 18, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Public condemnation and a monetary fine IS “what's coming to them.”


Momma Hunt October 18, 2009 at 6:38 pm

I couldn't agree more this was a horrible incident. Also add to that what a train wreck this family was when you saw them on wifeswap. Disaster in the making for these kids


Twenty Four At Heart October 19, 2009 at 1:05 am

I was riveted to the TV … I watched, in total anguish for that child and family. Honestly? They should make the parents repay every cent the rescue efforts cost. They should force the parents to get immediate psychiatric help and find a place for the kids with mentally stable adults who love them.

Who does something like this?


Alexis October 19, 2009 at 1:18 am

I am so furious at that bastard father–I don't even have words right now.

Can we all agree now that children should not be allowed to be on reality shows? No one should be on reality shows, but at least adults get to make the decision for themselves. Parents should not be able to profit from reality shows about their kids.

I'm steaming mad!!!!


Jennifer October 19, 2009 at 10:48 am

This is the weirdest story. Clearly I should not be laughing because of the children, but seriously? Doesn't it make you laugh just a little? That these people would built a GIANT BALLOON and pretend to have their youngest child FLY AWAY in it as a publicity stunt? Isn't that a little ridiculous?


kim October 19, 2009 at 10:08 pm

You totally f*cking suck.


Maggie October 20, 2009 at 3:53 am

Yes. Yes. Yes. And YES!!!


Kim Moldofsky October 20, 2009 at 6:03 am

Stories like these turn good people into cynics. Perhaps the next time a child in an dangerous situation people may stand by and watch rather than help, leery of another hoax.


Carmen October 20, 2009 at 12:36 pm

i cannot believe they would do something like that. they really do suck!


Glennon October 21, 2009 at 8:33 pm

Every mother should be furious about this. When the public becomes desensitized to the Amber Alerts and the “child in danger” breaking news stories, it puts all of our children at risk. I take what this psycho did completely personally.And I propose a class action suit on behalf of every child in America.
Finally I propose tarring and feathering, then quartering.


Issas Crazy World October 21, 2009 at 9:37 pm

Agree on all of it. I was so pissed at people who were all snarky and rude. Unfollowed some even. Sucks.

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.


getbornmagmomma October 27, 2009 at 8:53 pm

I am a 36 year old mom with four daughters, battling stage four breast cancer. One of the women who writes for my magazine has a daughter who has spent more of her life than she ever should have in Children's Hospital. There's plenty of REAL drama in our first world country, and this story makes me so pissy I could puke. Worse, this fucking family only lives about 15 miles from my house. I'm tempted to show up with my balding cancer porn, my four young daughters, and give them a taste of REAL drama. Idiots. Grrrrr…..


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